If: A Play in Four Acts — Lord Dunsany
If, by Lord Dunsany You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org . If you are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this eBook. Title : If: A Play in Four Acts Author : Lord Dunsany Release date : May 1, 1998 [eBook #1311] Most recently updated: October 29, 2024 Language : English Other information and formats : www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/1311 Credits : Produced by An Anonymous Volunteer, and David Widger *** START OF Contents IF ACT I ACT II ACT III ACT IV IF ACT I SCENE 1 A small railway station near London. Time: Ten years ago. BERT 'Ow goes it, Bill? BILL Goes it? 'Ow d'yer think it goes? BERT I don't know, Bill. 'Ow is it? BILL Bloody. BERT Why? What's wrong? BILL Wrong? Nothing ain't wrong. BERT What's up then? BILL Nothing ain't right. BERT Why, wot's the worry? BILL Wot's the worry? They don't give you better wages nor a dog, and then they thinks they can talk at yer and talk at yer, and say wot they likes, like. BERT Why? You been on the carpet, Bill? BILL Ain't I! Proper. BERT Why, wot about, Bill? BILL Wot about? I'll tell yer. Just coz I let a lidy get into a train. That's wot about. Said I ought to 'av stopped 'er. Thought the train was moving. Thought it was dangerous. Thought I tried to murder 'er, I suppose. BERT Wot? The other day? BILL Yes. BERT Tuesday? BILL Yes. BERT Why. The one that dropped her bag? BILL Yes. Drops 'er bag. Writes to the company. They writes back she shouldn't 'av got in. She writes back she should. Then they gets on to me. Any more of it and I'll... BERT I wouldn't, Bill; don't you. BILL I will. BERT Don't you, Bill. You've got your family to consider. BILL Well, anyway, I won't let any more of them passengers go jumping into trains any more, not when they're moving, I won't. When the train gets in, doors shut. That's the rule. And they'll 'ave to abide by it. BERT Well, I wouldn't stop one, not if... BILL I don't care. They ain't going to 'ave me on the mat again and talk all that stuff to me. No, if someone 'as to suffer... 'Ere she is. [Noise of approaching train heard.] BERT Ay, that's her. BILL And shut goes the door. [Enter JOHN BEAL.] BERT Wait a moment, Bill. BILL Not if he's... Not if he was ever so. JOHN [preparing to pass] Good morning.... BILL Can't come through. Too late. JOHN Too late? Why, the train's only just in. BILL Don't care. It's the rule. JOHN O, nonsense. [He carries on.] BILL It's too late. I tell you you can't come. JOHN But that's absurd. I want to catch my train. BILL It's too late. BERT Let him go, Bill. BILL I'm blowed if I let him go. JOHN I want to catch my train. [JOHN is stopped by BILL and pushed back by the face. JOHN advances towards BILL looking like fighting. The train has gone.] BILL Only doing my duty. [JOHN stops and reflects at this, deciding it isn't good enough. He shrugs his shoulders, turns round and goes away.] JOHN I shouldn't be surprised if I didn't get even with you one of these days, you..... and some way you won't expect. Curtain SCENE 2 Yesterday evening. [Curtain rises on JOHN and MARY in their suburban home.] JOHN I say, dear. Don't you think we ought to plant an acacia? MARY An acacia, what's that, John? JOHN O, it's one of those trees that they have. MARY But why, John? JOHN Well, you see the house is called The Acacias, and it seems rather silly not to have at least one. MARY O, I don't think that matters. Lots of places are called lots of things. Everyone does. JOHN Yes, but it might help the postman. MARY O, no, it wouldn't, dear. He wouldn't know an acacia if he saw it any more than I should. JOHN Quite right, Mary, you're always right. What a clever head you've got! MARY Have I, John? We'll plant an acacia if you like. I'll ask about it at the grocer's. JOHN You can't get one there. MARY No, but he's sure to know where it can be got. JOHN Where do they grow, Mary? MARY I don't know, John; but I am sure they do, somewhere. JOHN Somehow I wish sometimes, I almost wish I could have gone abroad for a week or so to places like where acacias grow naturally. MARY O, would you really, John? JOHN No, not really. But I just think of it sometimes. MARY Where would you have gone? JOHN O, I don't know. The East or some such place. I've often heard people speak of it, and somehow it seemed so... MARY The East, John? Not the East. I don't think the East somehow is quite respectable. JOHN O well, it's all right, I never went, and never shall go now. It doesn't matter. MARY [the photographs catching her eye] O, John, I meant to tell you. Such a dreadful thing happened. JOHN What, Mary? MARY Well, Liza was dusting the photographs, and when she came to Jane's she says she hadn't really begun to dust it, only looked at it, and it fell down, and that bit of glass is broken right out of it. JOHN Ask her not to look at it so hard another time. MARY O, what do you mean, John? JOHN Well, that's how she broke it; she said so, and as I know you believe in Liza... MARY Well, I can't think she'd tell a lie, John. JOHN No, of course not. But she mustn't look so hard another time. MARY And it's poor little Jane's photograph. She will feel it so. JOHN O, that's all right, we'll get it mended. MARY Still, it's a dreadful thing to have happened. JOHN We'll get it mended, and if Jane is unhappy about it she can have Alice's frame. Alice is too young to notice it. MARY She isn't, John. She'd notice it quick. JOHN Well, George, then. MARY [looking at photo thoughtfully] Well, perhaps George might give up his frame. JOHN Yes, tell Liza to change it. Why not make her do it now? MARY Not to-day, John. Not on a Sunday. She shall do it to-morrow by the time you get back from the office. JOHN All right. It might have been worse. MARY It's bad enough. I wish it hadn't happened. JOHN It might have been worse. It might have been Aunt Martha. MARY I'd soon